Hole here and holes there.

I feel tired. I am not sure if I can do this anymore. I need to go home soon, but before I do I have to get all of this done. It needs to get done. Come on, I need to get it on it, do it. I can do this.

I don't know what is exactly wrong anymore. There is something about my old balance that doesn't work anymore. This is the Cold War, the cold war against myself. I am not pleased with who I am, there is just something about it that immediately pushes my head to explode and those terrible headaches come back again. It hurts to be so undefined. It hurst to be so displeased with the most minor things. That had never happened to my jeans before and now that it has its a constan reminder of what's going on. I am tired of helping, of being there and just not 'not getting' anything in return, but getting the worst in return. I'd prefer to not have to be there, to not have to receive whatever gets returned. I feel wholed, I feel too big and growing, too filled with remorse or something of the kind. I need to go. I need to leave and stop being who I am for a change.

I need a mirror and you are not it. You can't be that for me. The sincerity that begins my every sentence is a plea and a wish for it to come from you. But it is my responsibility, I just don't see it though. I don't have the strength to be better, to do what is asked, to grow. The strength, the discipline, the humanity, I need them to be better because better I should be. I haven't felt this innadequate with myself in so long in being who I am. In deciding whether I am right or not, good or not, I have come in an insane fluctuation that is killing me. It hurts. I need the strength. I need a better me, ir just someone who cares at all.